i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.