i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.


Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?


me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm


Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.


God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald


Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.


oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples


When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.


In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”345264325499428865″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”125″;s:5:”tweet”;s:125:”My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}