i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
You Might Also Like
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.