i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]