I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Cop lights are so pretty at night
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal