Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Remember folks 😂

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.