Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat