i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
You Might Also Like
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality