Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Yep.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.