Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend