I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”