I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Mornin. * use accordingly
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe