I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu