I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”