I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Never let them know your next move 😂
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Friday night party time 🥳
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS