I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.