@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

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@jazmasta

I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@DiamondLou69

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

@Dutch_50

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”