I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
You Might Also Like
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”