I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Oh the world we live in…
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
