I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you breakdance you buy dance.