I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else