I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
What about second breakfast?
