I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies