I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
🤣🤣🤣
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
