I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.