*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.