@GrandadJFreeman

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

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@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.

@kentgrossarth

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

@BruceForce

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@PJTLynch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

@jus4golf

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

@krisv_723

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

@NicestHippo

[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox