I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You Might Also Like
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Time for evil
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*