Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.