I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You Might Also Like
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?