I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
You Might Also Like
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
