Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.