I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
You Might Also Like
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
So sorry
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”