I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Google assistant rules
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
prepare for carbonated trouble
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The best plant holders?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.