I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse