Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)