I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.