Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.