@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

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@MooseAllain

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@carlyken

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

@ianpauldukes

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

@SketchesbyBoze

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@deadbearrising

Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.