I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud