There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Cat on a sun roof
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen