@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

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@DionneMcNutt

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

@murrman5

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

@ColIegeStudent

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen