I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook


“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.


Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun


Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.


If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.