@ImSoFrancis
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
@maryjennaa
i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w
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@ImSoFrancis
@Home_Halfway
Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”
@Pork_Chop_Hair
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
@redditships
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
@bobvulfov
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
@SkinnerSteven
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
@Abusitron
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
@Jamberee13
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
@sixfootcandy
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
@LuckyLea13
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself