@maryjennaa

i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w

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@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@Home_Halfway

Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@bobvulfov

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@Abusitron

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself