INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
What the hell happened in there??
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.