i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w

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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.


Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger


I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.


Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said


When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.


I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?



Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.


I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.


*Pulls out pin*

*Throws fire extinguisher*


Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.