Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

another case of gang violins

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

the only bumper sticker ill allow

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?