Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”