Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do