Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Just this preview of the story is enough

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.