I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
inside you are two wolves
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
wow he looks just like him
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.