I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Beware of fowl play.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.