I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.