Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.