I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart