I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
The Backseat Boys
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.