I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Bruh 😂
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.