I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Take care of yourself, ladies
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?