I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Cake!!
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Never ghost your hitman.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.