*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Twitter fine art
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.