I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
👍
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank