I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”