Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

This is hilarious

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.