Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”