Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.