Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

twitter is a journey

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

😂

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching: