Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri