Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

work smarter, not harder

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

ok like just. call me at this point

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Just me?

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.