I hate when people say “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” I mean, c’mon, one inconvenience at a time.

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Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.


Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy


*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*


*don’t pick up . Don’t pick up. Don’t pick up*
~ me calling someone .


I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.


My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.