“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Every. Damn. Time.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?