I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you