I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?