I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Oh thanks BBC.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.