I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.