I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
23. the denim jacket
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked