Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding