I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.