Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My patience has stretch marks.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.