I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I know this now 😂
I don’t get marriage
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that