Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

This will never not be funny 😭

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.