I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …